The best sales book you will ever read: Never Split the Difference

“If somebody’s trying to get you to say ‘yes’ to something, you’re in a negotiation,” Chris says. “If you say ‘I want’ or ‘you think I need,’ you're in a negotiation. You’re probably in three to seven negotiations every single day.” 

"Never Split the Difference" is a book that delves deep into the art of negotiation, authored by the renowned former FBI hostage negotiator, Chris Voss. Chris offers invaluable insights into the world of negotiation, outlining principles and techniques that are essential for achieving success in any negotiation scenario.  

Personally, I have revisited "Never Split the Difference" many times over the years, most recently listening to Chris read it in the audiobook. Chris’ real-life examples offer actionable advice on how to handle difficult negotiations – whether it’s a job interview, a business deal, or a fundraising pitch. What sets "Never Split the Difference" apart is Chris’ focus on human psychology and the emotional aspects of negotiating. 

As fundraisers, we know emotions are key to building relationships, trust, and connection to the cause. That is why I wanted to share some of my key take-aways after enjoying the book various times. If you like this piece, I would highly encourage you to check out the book and Chris Voss’ Youtube channel, The Black Swan Group. 

Here are 8 trust-based influencing tips that fundraisers can apply to their work after reading the book: 

Use active listening 

Active listening involves paying attention to what the other person is saying, summarizing their points, and asking open-ended questions. This approach helps build rapport and gain insights into the other person's perspective. Through active listening, you can discover someone’s “why” and more deeply engage them in the organization. 

Anchoring 

When negotiating, always start with an aggressive offer or a high price. This approach sets the tone for the negotiation and helps you secure a better deal. I do this in multiple ways through fundraising; asking high of course, but also using a light-hearted tone to say “thank you for wanting to support our cause. I wanted to discuss the amount. Now, I won’t stop you if you try to give me $500,000 haha (they usually laugh alongside me) but I want to see what level of giving we can get to – what would be the best gift you can give this year to support our organization? Or again, I won’t stop you if you want to set up a multi-year agreement because you love us so much!” 

Focus on interests, not positions 

Rather than getting stuck on specific demands or positions, focus on the underlying interests and motivations of both parties. This approach helps identify creative solutions that benefit both sides. This can be applied to fundraising in many ways. For example, let’s say you have a corporate donor looking for you to announce their gift on your website. If this is something you do not normally do, you can work with the donor to figure out what value they are seeking – is it recognition? Is it to reach your audience? Are they charity-washing their brand with yours? Understanding interests helps both parties work together collaboratively and determine if this is the right partnership for you. 

Use calibrated questions 

Calibrated questions are open-ended questions that encourage the other person to think deeply and provide more detailed responses. These questions can be used to gather information, build rapport, and gain insights into the other person's perspective. Ideally, this means staying away from yes or no questions. An example is reframing a question. Instead of asking “can we count on your support this year,” you may ask “what about our mission encourages to give each year?”. The second question is framed to speak to the donor’s ongoing commitment to the organization, provides you with more information, and assumes the donor will continue to support your cause. Another example: instead of saying, "Can you make a donation?" you might say, "Would you prefer to make a one-time gift or a monthly gift?" This approach gives the donor more agency and makes them feel like they're making an informed choice. 

Chris suggests “we calibrate our questions mostly with the words ‘what’ and ‘how’ because people love to be asked what to do. People love to be asked how to do something”. This communications technique also works well internally. If an ED or board member is asking you to do something ridiculous (ask Sam Smith to do a free concert for us), ask “how am I supposed to do that”. This will make the person making the request your ally in finding a solution. 

Use the "Labelling Technique" 

The "Labelling Technique" involves acknowledging and labeling your emotions or concerns in a non-judgmental way, which can help to build trust and understanding. Statements like “it sounds/seems/looks like...” help build a common ground. It is a neutral way to identify dynamics and decenter yourself. It can be a manner to label your way to an agreement or to label the barriers away, as labeling a positing reinforces a positive while labeling a negative dissipates the negative. Think about how your donors, colleagues, or ED would react to the following statements: “it seems like you really care about helping locally”, “it sounds like that organization’s marketing really bothered you”, “it looks like we haven’t been on the same page about our program capacity”, “it seems like there is some hesitancy to provide operating funds”, “it seems like it’s important to find the right match”. Using labeling will help you get more information straight from the source; information to improve your governance, advocacy, relationship-building, fundraising, and more.  

Use the power of no 

When making an ask, consider starting with a no to encourage your donor to consider your request more carefully. As fundraisers, we are taught to find a way to the yes. Yes – I want to make an impact, yes - I want to give. Using “no” is just as powerful as getting a yes. Here is an example from an email appeal I did: “do you think politicians will take significant action to alleviate poverty this year? Neither do I. That is why I am counting on dedicated donors like you to donate generously.” Chris Voss says “A ‘no’ to a properly phrased no-oriented question is worth at least five yeses.” 

Saying "no" can also lead to more fruitful negotiations because it forces the other party to consider alternatives. By saying "no," you're also communicating that you have boundaries and standards, which can make you appear more confident and trustworthy. In fundraising, saying "no" can also be a valuable tool. For example, if a donor is asking for something that is outside of your organization's values or mission, you may need to say no to maintain your integrity. By doing so, you can establish your organization's boundaries and demonstrate your commitment to your values, which can attract donors who share your principles. 

Watch your tone  

I did a piece recently on using cognitive biases to your advantage. Chris mentions some of these throughout the book, but it is most clear in his “Midnight DJ” example. In this example, he illustrates how different tones, speech patterns and speeds can all impact a conversation. As we know, communication is most deeply based on body language and tone, much more than the actual words we are saying. Use your tone and body language carefully to project ease, urgency, playfulness, and more. A great deep dive on this can be found by exploring the Halo effect. 

Embrace silence 

Silence can be a powerful tool in negotiations. When used strategically, it can encourage the other party to reveal more information or to make a better offer. In fundraising, silence can also be effective. For example, after making an ask, it can be tempting to fill the silence with chatter. However, by staying silent, you're signaling to the donor that you're waiting for their response, which can give them space to consider your request more carefully. Additionally, silence can be used to show empathy and compassion. If a donor is expressing frustration or sadness, simply staying silent and giving them space to talk can be a powerful way to demonstrate that you're there to listen and support them. 

 What are some books you’d recommend to a fundraiser?